Actual signs

At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.

At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized
personnel.

At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone
in a glass container.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing Company: We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We
want tows.

At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?

At an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re
looking for, you’ve come to the right place.

At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send
in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.

At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to
young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear
tight clothes, beware of the machinist.

Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the
road and stop reading these signs.

Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet….Miss a car
payment.

Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith
lifted.

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your
nose?

English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands
Before Eating.

Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!

In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!

In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want.

In a cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here
for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing
wise is optional.

In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be
false to you.

In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.

In a dry cleaner’s emporium: Drop your pants here.

In a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments
here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the
field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.

In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children
and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.

In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove
all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men
with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night
but Sunday.

In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention
Center

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses
rude ought to see the manager.

In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from
picking flowers from any but their own graves.

In a Podiatrist’s window: Time wounds all heels.

In a restaurant window: Don’t stand there and be hungry,
come in and get fed up.

In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car

In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: 15 men’s wool
suits – $100 – They won’t last an hour!

In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!

In an office building washroom: Toilet out of order. Please
use floor below.

In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the
teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder
yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel – NO END

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can’t read
this, it’s time to wash your car.

In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll
wait.

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our
plans for owning your home.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person
to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your
wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere
to be cheated, when you can come here?

Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a
pin drop.

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.

Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will
tell you how to get lessons.

Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field
for free, but the bull charges.

On a butcher’s window: Let me meat your needs.

On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all
by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side
entrance)

On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman,
and the 2nd one just left.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.

On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

On a local plumbing company’s trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t
sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the
lowest possible prices and workmanship.

On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.

On a Music Teacher’s door: Out Chopin.

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of
the Episcopal Church

On a plumber’s truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock
hard — bell out of order.)

On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.

On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

On a Scientist’s door: Gone Fission

On a taxidermist’s window: We really know our stuff.

On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under
water, this road is impassable.

On an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts.

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
Thirty-eight years on the same spot.

On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card:
If you cannot read this card…

On another Butcher’s window: Pleased to meat you.

On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.

On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No
trespassing without permission.

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be
prosecuted to the full extent of the law. – Sisters of Mercy

Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and
sell antiques.

Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town.
Everyone welcome.

Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or,
do-it-yourself, $1.

Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard
you coming.

Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch; if not back
by five, out for dinner.

Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a
leak.

Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything -
bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful
bargain.

Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak.

Plumber: We repair what your husband Fixed.

Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point
will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and
doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Sign at the psychic’s Hotline: Don’t call us, we’ll call
you.

This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I
go where I’m towed to.

Trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t
sleep with a drip call your plumber. Continue reading