At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone
in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
At an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re
looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send
in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.
At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to
young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear
tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the
road and stop reading these signs.
Car Lot: The best way to get on your feet….Miss a car
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith
Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your
English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want.
In a cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here
for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing
wise is optional.
In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be
false to you.
In a department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
In a dry cleaner’s emporium: Drop your pants here.
In a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments
here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the
field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children
and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove
all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men
with 16 and 17 necks.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night
In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses
rude ought to see the manager.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from
picking flowers from any but their own graves.
In a Podiatrist’s window: Time wounds all heels.
In a restaurant window: Don’t stand there and be hungry,
come in and get fed up.
In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store: 15 men’s wool
suits – $100 – They won’t last an hour!
In a Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
In an office building washroom: Toilet out of order. Please
use floor below.
In an office: After the tea break, staff should empty the
teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder
yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel – NO END
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can’t read
this, it’s time to wash your car.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll
In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our
plans for owning your home.
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person
to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don’t kill your
wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere
to be cheated, when you can come here?
Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will
tell you how to get lessons.
Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field
for free, but the bull charges.
On a butcher’s window: Let me meat your needs.
On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all
by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side
On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman,
and the 2nd one just left.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
Now available in multi-packs.
On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
On a local plumbing company’s trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t
sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the
lowest possible prices and workmanship.
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
On a Music Teacher’s door: Out Chopin.
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of
the Episcopal Church
On a plumber’s truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock
hard — bell out of order.)
On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut.
On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
On a Scientist’s door: Gone Fission
On a taxidermist’s window: We really know our stuff.
On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under
water, this road is impassable.
On an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts.
On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
On an United Airlines emergency exit row instruction card:
If you cannot read this card…
On another Butcher’s window: Pleased to meat you.
On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.
On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.
On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No
trespassing without permission.
On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be
prosecuted to the full extent of the law. – Sisters of Mercy
Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and
Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town.
Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or,
Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard
Outside a photographer’s studio: Out to lunch; if not back
by five, out for dinner.
Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a
Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything -
bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful
Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak.
Plumber: We repair what your husband Fixed.
Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point
will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and
doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Sign at the psychic’s Hotline: Don’t call us, we’ll call
This was seen on a car being towed by a large motor home: I
go where I’m towed to.
Trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: Don’t
sleep with a drip call your plumber. Continue reading